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  • Jokes and observations thread

    Years ago, john McKay, USC coach, before a Stanford game, when there was a lot of talk about how smart they were admitted he wanted players ,not students. After they won 41-14, said something like give me a good D student and we'll win every time. Still holds.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Urban Meyer on one of his players:

    "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
    In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning
    of a lot of words."
    ______________________________________

    Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

    So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday,
    go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
    ______________________________________


    What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
    Drool.
    ______________________________________

    How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. That's a sophomore course.
    ______________________________________

    How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

    The cow fell on him.
    ______________________________________

    Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
    One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
    The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
    ______________________________________

    What do you say to a Michigan State University
    football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
    "
    "Will the defendant please rise."
    ______________________________________

    If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

    The police officer.
    ______________________________________

    How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

    There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
    ______________________________________

    What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

    A full set of teeth.
    ______________________________________

    University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going
    to dress half of his players for the game this week;
    the other half will have to dress themselves.
    ______________________________________

    How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
    ______________________________________

    Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car?

    He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
    ______________________________________

    How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.


    Enjoy the season.
    EL JEFFE --- “Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”

  • #2
    Re: Jokes and observations thread

    Funny stuff Wise.

    Speaking of John McKay, when he was coach of Tampa Bay, after another dismal performance by the Bucs a reporter asked him what he thought about the execution of his offense..
    He replied, " I think its an excellent idea, line em up"

    When Lou Holtz was asked how fast Rocket Ismail was..
    He replied, " He is the only guy I know that can play tennis by himself"

    A gambler desperate to get his money back after a few days of losing and 10 straight losses on football, calls his book to make some wagers and try to bail out, when "the man" tells him the only action he has available that night is on Hockey, he replies "damn, I guess I better pass, I don't know anything about hockey"
    Last edited by tex; 09-02-14, 04:43 PM.
    "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Jokes and observations thread

      im going to the racetrack this weekend....i hope i break even,,i could use the money"

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Jokes and observations thread

        Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words? A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

        Girl: What jersey should I buy? Guy: Buy a goalie's jersey! Girl: Why? Guy: So I can tell people my girlfriend's a keeper.

        Q: Which football team uses the most toilet paper? A: Arsenal.

        Q: What’s the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Jokes and observations thread

          Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental. Doug Plank said this.

          Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
          Dave Barry

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Jokes and observations thread

            Originally posted by yinandyang View Post
            Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental. Doug Plank said this.

            Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
            Dave Barry
            :D good ones!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Jokes and observations thread

              God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking
              and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
              God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
              "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then
              I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend
              caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
              knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
              "They don't like that in heaven, said God.
              The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
              Pick Winners & Catch Fish

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Jokes and observations thread

                Glad you revived this West, was looking to post this video, made me laugh thinking about all the dumb shit my friends and I used to do and get hollered at like this;


                Leaf blower vs Fire in Furnace | PopScreen
                EL JEFFE --- “Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Jokes and observations thread

                  An old maid and her sister living together hear a knock on the door, the sister answers and a soldier asks to see the other sister. She informs her sister that there is a man at the door with a Purple Heart On that wants to see her. She responds " I don't care what color it is, let him in"
                  Last edited by tex; 05-06-15, 09:46 PM.
                  "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Jokes and observations thread

                    Originally posted by WiseGuy1 View Post
                    Glad you revived this West, was looking to post this video, made me laugh thinking about all the dumb shit my friends and I used to do and get hollered at like this;


                    Leaf blower vs Fire in Furnace | PopScreen
                    Glad im not the only one to do dumb $hit & get yelled at lol.
                    Pick Winners & Catch Fish

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Jokes and observations thread

                      Fishin

                      A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.

                      He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

                      "What you gonna do with that?! There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

                      He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

                      His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
                      the wife and asks where his brother is.

                      She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

                      The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .

                      He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

                      His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

                      His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
                      I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
                      Pick Winners & Catch Fish

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Jokes and observations thread

                        A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
                        But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
                        But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Jokes and observations thread

                          Sunday Morning Sex
                          Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
                          Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
                          When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
                          Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
                          "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
                          It was just the right rhythm.
                          Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

                          She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
                          Pick Winners & Catch Fish

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Jokes and observations thread

                            A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

                            LITTLE BRIAN REPLIED:

                            "I WANNA START OUT AS A NAVY PILOT, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST whore, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."


                            THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE BRIAN, DECIDED NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIED TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON .

                            "And how about you, Sarah?"






                            "I wanna be Brian's whore."
                            "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Jokes and observations thread

                              Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

                              Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

                              Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

                              Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

                              "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

                              "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

                              I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

                              And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

                              So here I am.
                              EL JEFFE --- “Turning and turning in the widening gyre, the falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.”

                              Comment

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