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Jokes and observations thread

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  • #61
    Re: Jokes and observations thread

    Gotta luv 'em. Out of the mouth's of "babes"!

    Nothing like an oldie but Goodie!


    • #62
      Re: Jokes and observations thread

      In the News

      The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

      Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

      "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.***"He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.**When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

      In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

      "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.**When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

      Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

      In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

      "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

      Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

      "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.**"After all, how many art-history majors and gender studies graduates does one country need?
      Pick Winners & Catch Fish


      • #63
        Re: Jokes and observations thread

        One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

        No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

        Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

        Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

        Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

        Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

        Still no one guesses.

        "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

        Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
        "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"


        • #64
          Re: Jokes and observations thread

          Flunking Math
          Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

          "Why?" asks the father.

          "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

          "But that's right!"

          "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

          "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

          Little Johnny replies "That's exactly what I said!
          "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"


          • #65
            Re: Jokes and observations thread

            Black Balls
            One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

            On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

            The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

            So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

            The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

            Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday
            "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"


            • #66
              Re: Jokes and observations thread

              God created woman

              The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
              Then he said to himself,
              "There's something he's needing.'"
              After casting about for a suitable pearl,
              He kept messing around and created a girl
              Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
              Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
              Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
              And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
              Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
              Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
              Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
              And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
              Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
              And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
              'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
              Then he added a mouth.

              Ruined the whole BLOODY thing.
              Pick Winners & Catch Fish


              • #67
                Re: Jokes and observations thread

                Ranch hand

                Subject: New Ranch Hand

                A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
                determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
                placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

                Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

                She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

                He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

                For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

                The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

                He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

                She quietly called him over to her.

                'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she

                'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

                'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
                her boots.

                'Now take off my skirt.'

                He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

                'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

                Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
                Pick Winners & Catch Fish


                • #68
                  Re: Jokes and observations thread

                  Nudist colony

                  The Newcomer at the Nudist Colony

                  A man joins a nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and wanders around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

                  The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

                  She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

                  She leads him to the side of the swimming pool and lets him have his way with her.

                  The man then enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds, a huge, hairy man comes toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

                  'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

                  'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

                  The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

                  The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

                  'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

                  The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'
                  Pick Winners & Catch Fish


                  • #69
                    Re: Jokes and observations thread

                    A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

                    She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

                    The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

                    She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

                    He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

                    The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

                    He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

                    The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

                    She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

                    "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
                    "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"


                    • #70
                      Re: Jokes and observations thread

                      The Old Man & the Pond

                      An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
                      He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
                      it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
                      One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
                      He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
                      As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
                      As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
                      He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
                      One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
                      The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’
                      Holding the bucket up he said,
                      ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’
                      Pick Winners & Catch Fish


                      • #71
                        Re: Jokes and observations thread



                        • #72
                          Re: Jokes and observations thread

                          A Lesson In Morals
                          One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
                          Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
                          When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
                          Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
                          Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
                          Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
                          Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
                          The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
                          "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
                          "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.... Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"


                          • #73
                            Re: Jokes and observations thread

                            And You know That's right!
                            Originally posted by tex View Post
                            A Lesson In Morals